Nil by mouth

Safe-sex messaging: from condom-wrapped bananas, to boys boasting about having lost their virginity when in fact, they don't even know how to spell 'penetration'. The Government has a job to keep us safe and none more so than in ol' Blighty when teenage pregnancy rates are high and STDs on the rise. And yet, with the latest scientific research showing a link between oral sex and oral cancer, we're glad someone is dishing out good advice.

All of this trouble is caused by the HPV or Human Papilloma Virus which lives in lady parts and creates no end of problems for a percentage of men who have had a significant number of oral sex experiences, the Smoking Jacket tells us. Guys, don't panic unnecessarily: thankfully, the chances of getting the Big C aren't very high.

'In fact, oral cancer resulting from HPV infection is now more common in the US than oral cancer caused by tobacco use, which is still the leading culprit in the rest of the world. So, apparently the United States is either the oral sex or HPV infection capital of the world. [...] But rest easy, fellas, getting down with a lady who has HPV isn’t a guaranteed ticket to oral cancer. There are over 150 types of HPV and only 40 of them are capable of being transmitted sexually.

Next: penis cancer from too much 'alone time'?!

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